Touch me, I'm Canadian

On June 30 2006, The Canadian High Commission in London co-hosted Canada Day in Trafalgar Square. Now, anyone with even a smattering of Canadian knowlege will say, 'hold on, Canada Day is July 1!' Well, that's true. However, being such a lovely and accommodating country, we held it one day early as Europride was taking place on the first. Far be it from us to ask half a million poofs to re-arrange their diaries. I mean, the collective hissy fit thrown would have been as bad as if Ikea ran out of tea-lights on a weekend.

Anyway...I didn't care. I mean, I was going to both anyway. The fact that it was on a Friday meant most of the staff were able to attend from about 1:30pm, in other words, we got let out early. Bonus! Get out early on a Friday, it was payday, and we got to celebrate Canadian culture in the heart of London. Well, two out of three ain't bad is it?

Seriously, I did attend, and I certainly hope all those who left early attended as well, rather than going home early. It was a brilliant afternoon, lots of people in Trafalgar Square wearing red and white attire. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought the Roots warehouse had blown up. There was street hockey, native dancing, and traditional music, which sounded alot like it actually came from Ireland, but that's not so surprising given our country's immigration history.

Like every good Canadian on Canada Day, I, along with several good friends, drank rather alot. Well, its good to be patriotic isn't it?

So, for the benefit of you dear reader, I present a few facts about Canada to do my part in educating the world about the Great White North.

1. Canada is the second biggest country in the world, after Russia.
2. The official currency is the 'dollar'. All notes are issued by Canadian Tire.
3. You can marry a fag in Canada, but you can't smoke one.
4. The current government wants to stop you marrying them as well. Twats.
5. Poutine is our national dish.
6. Canada claims Celine Dion and Pamela Anderson as their own. They are really both cyborgs from the Andromeda galaxy.
7. Most of the world sees Canada as 'America Jr.' Most Canadians think of America as 'our retarded cousin'.
8. For every five Canadians, there is one Tim Horton's.
9. Tim Horton's is practically a religion in Canada.
10. The Commander of the Battlestar Galactica and Captain of the Enterprise (NCC-1701 for you geeks) are both Canadian. You may know them as Lorne Greene and William Shatner.
11. Lorne Michaels is also Canadian. He produces Saturday Night Live. Shame its crap now.
12. Only Canadians are allowed to be named 'Lorne'.
13. Out west, there is a place named 'Fanny Bay'.
14. Out east, there is a place named 'Dildo'.
15. As far as I'm concerned, Eastern Canada starts at the BC / Alberta border.
16. Not every Canadian says 'eh' at the end of a sentence. Sometimes we end a sentence with 'ass-face'.
17. The comedy troupe 'Kids in the Hall' are neither kids nor in the hall. We're clever like that.
18. You might think Canada is boring, but in America, there's a town called Boring. So there.
19. The Blackberry is a Canadian invention. I'd like to apologise to everyone on the planet for that.
20. The Canadian part of the Great Lakes (that's Erie, Creepy, Rikki, Inferior and Justintimber) actually tastes like maple syrup.

So there you have it, twenty interesting facts about Canada. I'll let you decide which ones are true.

Happy almost Canada Day!

Tripping The Light Fan-Plastic

Ever wondered what would happen if you got eight gay men in a room talking about plastic and what you can do with it?

OK, get your mind out of the gutter and try again. If you thought 'Tupperware Party' you'd be right! No really! My friend Jason organised a proper Tupperware Party for us on Saturday and was held at the lovely home Blake and Ed and our lovely TupperPerson was Andrew, one of only two men doing Tupperware parties and quelle surprise, they are both gay.

Jason put on quite a spread, and the food was good too! (That's quite enough - Ed.), and all with a 70's theme, right down to pina coladas and cheese and pineapple sticks. Once we'd tucked into some food and drink the demonstration began. Cue lots of 'oohs' and 'aahs' from the poofs. The items were certainly not your mother's tupperware, that's for sure, Tupperware have moved with the times, but luckily, many of the things there that day produced that satisfying "pffff" sound when burped, same goes for the Tupperware too. (That's your last warning... - Ed.)

By the end of the afternoon, over 700 quid had been spent and apparently one of Andrew's most successful days ever! On the high street or at home, a gay boy loves to shop! He even honoured us with an entry in his Tupperware Blog! See the June 4th entry.

No doubt the hot weather and the plentiful booze helped in our decisions. Our little group must of looked quite the site from the block of flats across the way. It was one of the hottest days of the late spring and most of us had our shirts off, drinking, swishing about and generally having a great time. Someone even got their harness out and a few people tried it on, but decency prevents me from saying more on that subject. (Phew! - Ed.)

We ended up sending some of the boys out for food, Balke fired up the BBQ, and we ate and drank more! We ended up at XXL clubbing the night away.

It was wonderful way to kick off the summer season and will remain one of my 'top days' for some time to come no doubt. Good friends, good food, and good Tupperware. - what more could a guy ask for?

When I Was A Child...

It's funny how little things cast your mind back to when you were a child - it could be a smell, or someone saying 'remember when', or seeing a clip on the telly of a show you've not seen since you were a child. Of course, now I'm an adult although I don't feel like a grown up all the time! I have caught myself saying 'now, when I was a child' to my mates children and then having echos bounce 'round my head of MY parents and grandparents saying the same to me.

So, with all that in mind...

When I was a child I was afraid of thunder and lightening. My grandfather told me it was giants bowling in the sky. I'm not frighted of it any more, but I still think of what he told me the moment I hear the first clap of thunder or a flash of lightening.

When I was a child I used to think little people lived inside radios playing instruments and that's where the music came from.

When I was a child I saw a huge spider crawling up my sister's beadspread while she was sleeping. I ran out to tell my mom and dad. They didn't believe me, well, until she woke up screaming! I still hate spiders to this day.

When I was a child, I actually had my mouth washed out with soap. It was the early 70s and the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" was all the rage, especially the title song. I started singing the song, but would only say 'Jesus Christ' then wait until I was told off, then say 'superstar'. Of course, I thought I was being really clever by getting away with swearing, but of course by saying 'superstar' afterwards, that was my get-out, my 'nyah nyah' to my Mom and Dad that they couldn't tell me off. Well, was I ever wrong. My mom threatened to wash my mouth out with soap if I kept doing it. Of couse, I kept doing it and before I knew what was happening I had a mouth full of Ivory Soap. Yuk yuk and double yuk...but I had it coming.

When I was a child, I was obsessed with bowling and had all sorts of bowling themed knick knacks. The manager of my local five pin alley down the street gave me a bowling pin that wasn't being used anymore. I slept with it for a week as if it were a teddy bear.

When I was a child, I swallowed my grandfather's ring. He got it back, but only after 'nature took its course'.

When I was a child, apparently I used to love bananas. I don't remember that at all. I hate them now and will do anything to avoid the smell or taste.

When I was a child, I was always 'mishearing' lyrics in music. For years I would sing 'hot tea bo' whenever 'Rock The Boat' was playing.

When I was a child, my sister and I would try to fly by jumped off a chair and flapping our arms really quickly.

When I was a child, I would always turn to the toy section first of the Eaton's or Sear's catalogue. As the years went by, I'd turn to the men's underwear section first. Now, I turn to the home furnishings first, THEN the men's underwear!

When I was a child, my first 'crush' was on Scott Baio when he joined Happy Days as Chachi.

When I was a child, my favourite thing about visiting my paternal grandparents was a big thick slice of my grandmother's homemade bread and slapping on a pound of butter. The funny thing was that her husband owned a bakery for years, but she always made better bread than he did.

When I was a child, after being particularly annoying to my parents, they finally told me to 'go tell it to a tree'. So I went outside, crossed the street and did. It was actually a wooden telephone pole.

When I was a child, my sister and I had our own 'secret' language. "Womi omi bomi omi" we would say. We didn't even know what we were talking about.

When I was a child, I would sneak handfuls of chocolate chips and marshmallows from my mother's baking cupboards.

When I was a child, my sister and I would play for hours with her Barbies. Sometimes I was Ken, sometimes I was Barbie. I would always get Barbie and her girlfriends to bang their boobs together when they would meet. "Hi, Barbie" "Hi Cindy" "Let's bang our boobs together". "OK!" It would drive my sister mad.

When I was a child, my sister and I were having an arguement in the back seat of the car calling each other names. Flustered and obviously out of name-calling words, she said "well, you're a pig with no tail!". We both burst out laughing and that was the end of the arguement.

When I was a child, I would make ice cream sundaes the size of my head and eat every last bit.

When I was a child, I used to sit on my grandfather's knee and press different parts of his face and he'd make funny sounds.

When I was a child, I would switch on my grandparents outdoor Christmas lights during the day. The phone would ring at home later in the evening.

When I was a child, I mistook a carafe of red wine for grape juice, poured a glass and took a big gulp. I thought I was going to be sick and swore I would never drink alcohol ever again.

When I was a child, I would always ask "are we there yet" on long road trips. One day before my Dad started up the car, he turned around and told us he'd better not hear "are we there yet?" within the next two hours or there would be hell to pay. I asked that very question the moment we pulled out of the driveway. Luckily, he couldn't believe my boldness and saw the funny side of it.

When I was a child, I used to think that being 30 was really old.

I suppose this is a work in progress, but that's enough for now. Read into those statements what you will...some of them are just plain silly, but others are quite telling, aren't they?

Phil's Rules of The Tube

Here's a depressing thought: I reckon I make at least 400 trips a year on the London Underground. That takes into account the number of working days a year minus vacation days, public holidays etc. So 400 is probably a conservative estimate. Still, that’s 400 trips with the ‘great unwashed’ of London.

So, in my almost 16 years of living and working in London that adds up to 6400 trips. After all that, I’ve learned a few things about travelling on the underground and would like to share with you “Phil’s Handy Dandy Reference Guide for Travelling on the Tube During Rush Hour”. No doubt others will have written similar things, but I don’t care, I finally feel the need to get this off my chest – and hey, it’s been over two weeks since my last blog!

*Takes deep breath*

Entering the station: Have your ticket ready BEFORE you approach the automatic gates! You had to use a ticket last time right? Then don’t be so surprised when you find the gates won’t open when you get close. Get your fucking ticket out in advance so as not to piss off the rest of us behind you. Either that, or get out of the way before we push you. If you can’t remember where you put your ticket, then don’t even bother, just turn around and go home as you’re obviously not capable of remembering where you’re supposed to be going in the first place!

On the escalator: See those signs that read “Stand on the Right?” Well, they are NOT a suggestion. It means stand on the right, NOT stand on the left. Even if there were no signs, it should be bloody obvious to any person that everyone else is standing on the right and walking down the left. Just because you think you need to talk to your mate for the short ride doesn’t mean you can inconvenience the rest of us. Honestly, is what you really have to say that important that it can’t wait 30 seconds or so? If it is, either walk down the left, or don’t get on. If you continue to stand on the left like the big fat idiot that you are, I am going to push you down the escalator, and hurl your Primark bag down after you. Oh, and when you do get off, move away from the bottom – there’s people coming after you.

Walking in the tunnels: Don’t dawdle. People are trying to get places. It’s a tunnel, so don’t walk like you’re window shopping. Save that for above ground. Walk in a straight line and stay on the right! Oh, and follow the direction signs – don’t use a ‘shortcut’ during rush hour – you’ll find you’ll be the sole person going against the advancing throng and every single one of us will be giving you the evil eye. Those WAY OUT signs are positioned for crowd control in addition to getting your sorry ass out of the station, you stupid bastards!

Going down / up stairs: Go right – there’s that word again! I mean, there are signs and everything saying stay on the right. If you can’t read, you shouldn’t be on the train in the first place as you’ll never know where to get off.

Getting on the train: Let people off the train first god dammit! Funnily enough, if you stop the people from getting off the train, it means you won’t be able to get on. Those unclear on the concept will be politely told to move the fuck out of the way. If the train is packed, don’t assume there’s always room for you. Sometimes there isn’t, so you’ll just have to wait for the next train. Your ass is fatter than you think.

On the train (this is a big list so I’ve done it in point form):

If there’s a seat – take it. If not, move down the train. I’ll let you off if you’re only going one stop.

If you’re sitting down, sit up straight and keep your personal space personal.

If you’re standing then, hold on! It’s physically impossible to do the Times Crossword while standing on the tube, so don’t even try. You’ll just keep bumping into people. Besides, no one likes a smartass.

If seated and you’re reading a newspaper, don’t lean forward with your broadsheet and then given dirty looks when people brush by it.

For christ’s sake KEEP YOUR FEET IN! Don’t stick them out in the aisle! What is it with (mostly) women that they need to cross their legs have them sticking halfway into the aisle when its so busy? I just refuse to step over them now. My advice is to walk right through their legs – if you hit them, too fucking bad, serves them right for being so inconsiderate.

As for the guys – there must be a large amount of extremely well hung men out there as it is apparently impossible for them to keep their legs together. Why do they feel the need to sit down and spread their legs further out than a women giving birth? We all know you’ve just got a sock stuffed down there anyway.

If you get up and realise the seat is wet, then tell the person who’s about to take your place BEFORE they sit down.

If you’re standing in between the seats – the two on either side of you are YOURS NEXT! Unless you’re pregnant, elderly or disabled, don’t push through to get it, don’t sneak your way past the person people getting up to get that seat. Its just plain rude!

If you’re not well, don’t get on the train. Do you really want to pass out in front of all those people?

This is the 21st century; don’t assume that because you’re a woman you get the seat. Sorry, but chivalry and equal rights don’t always mix.

If you have to eat, be considerate and take away your rubbish. Do I come and dump a half eaten kebab in your living room? No, of course not! So don’t do it on the train. Don’t even think of bringing giant steaming coffees into a crowded train unless you want to inflict third degree burns on people and face a lawsuit.

Pay attention to where you are. Don’t suddenly think – am I there yet and realise, oh shit, I am, and barrel through the rest of us. You just look stupid…and that’s because you are.

Don’t play music through your mobile phone speaker – it sounds shit, most of the music people play in this way is shit anyway, and you just look like a sad twat.

Finally, turn your stereo DOWN – or at least invest in some decent noise-cancelling headphones so you don’t piss the rest of us off with your tinny cacophony!

Jumping in front of a moving train: Why? I’m honestly extremely sorry for anyone who feels they must end their life, not only will your suicide be difficult on your friends and family, especially given the way you’ve chosen to end your life, you’ll also inconvenience thousands of people on the train and serverly traumatise the entirely innocent driver who hits you. I think that last point is the worst. These guys have a stressful enough job without having to worry about people jumping in front of them.

Phew, I’m worn out….that’s quite a rant. Take heed and follow the rules please or you’ll have me to answer to!

There’s lots of things I’d miss about London if I ever moved back to Canada, but taking the tube is most definitely not one of them.