Here's a depressing thought: I reckon I make at least 400 trips a year on the London Underground. That takes into account the number of working days a year minus vacation days, public holidays etc. So 400 is probably a conservative estimate. Still, that’s 400 trips with the ‘great unwashed’ of London.
So, in my almost 16 years of living and working in London that adds up to 6400 trips. After all that, I’ve learned a few things about travelling on the underground and would like to share with you “Phil’s Handy Dandy Reference Guide for Travelling on the Tube During Rush Hour”. No doubt others will have written similar things, but I don’t care, I finally feel the need to get this off my chest – and hey, it’s been over two weeks since my last blog!
*Takes deep breath*
Entering the station: Have your ticket ready BEFORE you approach the automatic gates! You had to use a ticket last time right? Then don’t be so surprised when you find the gates won’t open when you get close. Get your fucking ticket out in advance so as not to piss off the rest of us behind you. Either that, or get out of the way before we push you. If you can’t remember where you put your ticket, then don’t even bother, just turn around and go home as you’re obviously not capable of remembering where you’re supposed to be going in the first place!
On the escalator: See those signs that read “Stand on the Right?” Well, they are NOT a suggestion. It means stand on the right, NOT stand on the left. Even if there were no signs, it should be bloody obvious to any person that everyone else is standing on the right and walking down the left. Just because you think you need to talk to your mate for the short ride doesn’t mean you can inconvenience the rest of us. Honestly, is what you really have to say that important that it can’t wait 30 seconds or so? If it is, either walk down the left, or don’t get on. If you continue to stand on the left like the big fat idiot that you are, I am going to push you down the escalator, and hurl your Primark bag down after you. Oh, and when you do get off, move away from the bottom – there’s people coming after you.
Walking in the tunnels: Don’t dawdle. People are trying to get places. It’s a tunnel, so don’t walk like you’re window shopping. Save that for above ground. Walk in a straight line and stay on the right! Oh, and follow the direction signs – don’t use a ‘shortcut’ during rush hour – you’ll find you’ll be the sole person going against the advancing throng and every single one of us will be giving you the evil eye. Those WAY OUT signs are positioned for crowd control in addition to getting your sorry ass out of the station, you stupid bastards!
Going down / up stairs: Go right – there’s that word again! I mean, there are signs and everything saying stay on the right. If you can’t read, you shouldn’t be on the train in the first place as you’ll never know where to get off.
Getting on the train: Let people off the train first god dammit! Funnily enough, if you stop the people from getting off the train, it means you won’t be able to get on. Those unclear on the concept will be politely told to move the fuck out of the way. If the train is packed, don’t assume there’s always room for you. Sometimes there isn’t, so you’ll just have to wait for the next train. Your ass is fatter than you think.
On the train (this is a big list so I’ve done it in point form):
If there’s a seat – take it. If not, move down the train. I’ll let you off if you’re only going one stop.
If you’re sitting down, sit up straight and keep your personal space personal.
If you’re standing then, hold on! It’s physically impossible to do the Times Crossword while standing on the tube, so don’t even try. You’ll just keep bumping into people. Besides, no one likes a smartass.
If seated and you’re reading a newspaper, don’t lean forward with your broadsheet and then given dirty looks when people brush by it.
For christ’s sake KEEP YOUR FEET IN! Don’t stick them out in the aisle! What is it with (mostly) women that they need to cross their legs have them sticking halfway into the aisle when its so busy? I just refuse to step over them now. My advice is to walk right through their legs – if you hit them, too fucking bad, serves them right for being so inconsiderate.
As for the guys – there must be a large amount of extremely well hung men out there as it is apparently impossible for them to keep their legs together. Why do they feel the need to sit down and spread their legs further out than a women giving birth? We all know you’ve just got a sock stuffed down there anyway.
If you get up and realise the seat is wet, then tell the person who’s about to take your place BEFORE they sit down.
If you’re standing in between the seats – the two on either side of you are YOURS NEXT! Unless you’re pregnant, elderly or disabled, don’t push through to get it, don’t sneak your way past the person people getting up to get that seat. Its just plain rude!
If you’re not well, don’t get on the train. Do you really want to pass out in front of all those people?
This is the 21st century; don’t assume that because you’re a woman you get the seat. Sorry, but chivalry and equal rights don’t always mix.
If you have to eat, be considerate and take away your rubbish. Do I come and dump a half eaten kebab in your living room? No, of course not! So don’t do it on the train. Don’t even think of bringing giant steaming coffees into a crowded train unless you want to inflict third degree burns on people and face a lawsuit.
Pay attention to where you are. Don’t suddenly think – am I there yet and realise, oh shit, I am, and barrel through the rest of us. You just look stupid…and that’s because you are.
Don’t play music through your mobile phone speaker – it sounds shit, most of the music people play in this way is shit anyway, and you just look like a sad twat.
Finally, turn your stereo DOWN – or at least invest in some decent noise-cancelling headphones so you don’t piss the rest of us off with your tinny cacophony!
Jumping in front of a moving train: Why? I’m honestly extremely sorry for anyone who feels they must end their life, not only will your suicide be difficult on your friends and family, especially given the way you’ve chosen to end your life, you’ll also inconvenience thousands of people on the train and serverly traumatise the entirely innocent driver who hits you. I think that last point is the worst. These guys have a stressful enough job without having to worry about people jumping in front of them.
Phew, I’m worn out….that’s quite a rant. Take heed and follow the rules please or you’ll have me to answer to!
There’s lots of things I’d miss about London if I ever moved back to Canada, but taking the tube is most definitely not one of them.
So, in my almost 16 years of living and working in London that adds up to 6400 trips. After all that, I’ve learned a few things about travelling on the underground and would like to share with you “Phil’s Handy Dandy Reference Guide for Travelling on the Tube During Rush Hour”. No doubt others will have written similar things, but I don’t care, I finally feel the need to get this off my chest – and hey, it’s been over two weeks since my last blog!
*Takes deep breath*
Entering the station: Have your ticket ready BEFORE you approach the automatic gates! You had to use a ticket last time right? Then don’t be so surprised when you find the gates won’t open when you get close. Get your fucking ticket out in advance so as not to piss off the rest of us behind you. Either that, or get out of the way before we push you. If you can’t remember where you put your ticket, then don’t even bother, just turn around and go home as you’re obviously not capable of remembering where you’re supposed to be going in the first place!
On the escalator: See those signs that read “Stand on the Right?” Well, they are NOT a suggestion. It means stand on the right, NOT stand on the left. Even if there were no signs, it should be bloody obvious to any person that everyone else is standing on the right and walking down the left. Just because you think you need to talk to your mate for the short ride doesn’t mean you can inconvenience the rest of us. Honestly, is what you really have to say that important that it can’t wait 30 seconds or so? If it is, either walk down the left, or don’t get on. If you continue to stand on the left like the big fat idiot that you are, I am going to push you down the escalator, and hurl your Primark bag down after you. Oh, and when you do get off, move away from the bottom – there’s people coming after you.
Walking in the tunnels: Don’t dawdle. People are trying to get places. It’s a tunnel, so don’t walk like you’re window shopping. Save that for above ground. Walk in a straight line and stay on the right! Oh, and follow the direction signs – don’t use a ‘shortcut’ during rush hour – you’ll find you’ll be the sole person going against the advancing throng and every single one of us will be giving you the evil eye. Those WAY OUT signs are positioned for crowd control in addition to getting your sorry ass out of the station, you stupid bastards!
Going down / up stairs: Go right – there’s that word again! I mean, there are signs and everything saying stay on the right. If you can’t read, you shouldn’t be on the train in the first place as you’ll never know where to get off.
Getting on the train: Let people off the train first god dammit! Funnily enough, if you stop the people from getting off the train, it means you won’t be able to get on. Those unclear on the concept will be politely told to move the fuck out of the way. If the train is packed, don’t assume there’s always room for you. Sometimes there isn’t, so you’ll just have to wait for the next train. Your ass is fatter than you think.
On the train (this is a big list so I’ve done it in point form):
If there’s a seat – take it. If not, move down the train. I’ll let you off if you’re only going one stop.
If you’re sitting down, sit up straight and keep your personal space personal.
If you’re standing then, hold on! It’s physically impossible to do the Times Crossword while standing on the tube, so don’t even try. You’ll just keep bumping into people. Besides, no one likes a smartass.
If seated and you’re reading a newspaper, don’t lean forward with your broadsheet and then given dirty looks when people brush by it.
For christ’s sake KEEP YOUR FEET IN! Don’t stick them out in the aisle! What is it with (mostly) women that they need to cross their legs have them sticking halfway into the aisle when its so busy? I just refuse to step over them now. My advice is to walk right through their legs – if you hit them, too fucking bad, serves them right for being so inconsiderate.
As for the guys – there must be a large amount of extremely well hung men out there as it is apparently impossible for them to keep their legs together. Why do they feel the need to sit down and spread their legs further out than a women giving birth? We all know you’ve just got a sock stuffed down there anyway.
If you get up and realise the seat is wet, then tell the person who’s about to take your place BEFORE they sit down.
If you’re standing in between the seats – the two on either side of you are YOURS NEXT! Unless you’re pregnant, elderly or disabled, don’t push through to get it, don’t sneak your way past the person people getting up to get that seat. Its just plain rude!
If you’re not well, don’t get on the train. Do you really want to pass out in front of all those people?
This is the 21st century; don’t assume that because you’re a woman you get the seat. Sorry, but chivalry and equal rights don’t always mix.
If you have to eat, be considerate and take away your rubbish. Do I come and dump a half eaten kebab in your living room? No, of course not! So don’t do it on the train. Don’t even think of bringing giant steaming coffees into a crowded train unless you want to inflict third degree burns on people and face a lawsuit.
Pay attention to where you are. Don’t suddenly think – am I there yet and realise, oh shit, I am, and barrel through the rest of us. You just look stupid…and that’s because you are.
Don’t play music through your mobile phone speaker – it sounds shit, most of the music people play in this way is shit anyway, and you just look like a sad twat.
Finally, turn your stereo DOWN – or at least invest in some decent noise-cancelling headphones so you don’t piss the rest of us off with your tinny cacophony!
Jumping in front of a moving train: Why? I’m honestly extremely sorry for anyone who feels they must end their life, not only will your suicide be difficult on your friends and family, especially given the way you’ve chosen to end your life, you’ll also inconvenience thousands of people on the train and serverly traumatise the entirely innocent driver who hits you. I think that last point is the worst. These guys have a stressful enough job without having to worry about people jumping in front of them.
Phew, I’m worn out….that’s quite a rant. Take heed and follow the rules please or you’ll have me to answer to!
There’s lots of things I’d miss about London if I ever moved back to Canada, but taking the tube is most definitely not one of them.
