Stags 'n Fags

The countdown to matrimony started last night. It was the stag party, rather, 'sten' party - a combination of 'stag' and 'hen', although there were no women at the event, there were lots of 'girls', 24 gay men and one straight guy thrown in for good measure. In addition, it was a party for both me and Scooter as we have so many friends in common, we didn't think it was fair to subject them to two expensive evenings, esp. since many of them will be flying to Canada for our wedding. As far as I know, only two people had to cancel, one as he had the flu, the other as he was too tired from working late the night before.

We started off at our local Soho pub, the Duke of Wellington aka 'The Welly' at 6pm. Jason, my best man, had an area upstairs reserved with lovely balloons and we arrived there just after six. We had a few pints whilst some of the guys arrived, lots of 'mwahs' and well wishes. We hopped into a cab about an hour later, not knowing our destination. All I knew was it involved bowling as someone spilled the beans a few days later.

We arrived at London's County Hall, just on the other side of the Thames to Big Ben. Inside is Namco Station, a huge arcade with bowling alleys, dodgem cars, video games and everything in between. We had an area roped off to eat and drink and exclusive use of six lanes for almost three hours. The lanes were 'short' and you didn't need proper bowling shoes, so it made for an interesting experience as several people found out when they fell flat on their faces forgetting they couldn't 'slide' on the lane. No serious harm done, although one person broke a nail! Shock horror!

I lost count of the number of games I played, but I think my best score was about 157, but towards the end, after several drinks, no one cared and was bowling between their legs, backwards and any other silly way they could play.

Jason had also arranged a huge bag of tokens so we could drive like maniacs on the dodgem cars. Apparently they are the fastest ones in Europe and I believe it! You really zoomed around, and of course, it make for some extremely violent collisions. We were all rather banged and bruised by the end of it, but it was great fun!

Just before we left, everyone gathered together and Jason presented us with a card signed by a number of the guys - they had al pooled their money together and bought a flat screen telly! A Sony Bravia one to be exact! (Had it delievered on the Tuesday - it's fantastic!). We were surprised and over the moon with such a lovely gift.

After that, about a dozen of us headed off to XXL to drink and dance the night away. Jason had got us on the guest list, so we didn't have to queue up, or pay. The management even had a really nice bottle of champagne on ice waiting for us.

Scooter and I finally left there around 3:30am, got a cab home and were in bed by 4:30. Sunday of course, was pretty much a total write off, but had a fantastic evening with a fantastic bunch of mates.

So, a HUGE thanks to my best man Jason for organising a great night for me and Scooter, and thanks to everyone who came along, namely: Jason, Paul B, David, Matthew, BHP, Garret (in absentia, but contributed to the telly), Nigel, Davey, Kevin, Keith, Gareth, Albert, Jez, Will, Shaun, Neil, Blake, Gavin, Jeffrey, Justin, and Ricky. You're all a great bunch of mates and we're glad you were able to take part in the fun!

Price Check on the Idiot on Till 3 Please

Some people really have no clue about technology. Even the most simple things confound them.

I was in my local branch of 'chav'DA yesterday evening after picking up my new gym membership card. I only had a few items in my basket so decided to use the self-checkout they recently introduced there. Now, I'm a veteran at these things - I use them whenever I can - at Tesco, Sainsbury etc. They save time, I don't have to talk to a surly checkout clerk who looks like they should still be in playschool and, I have to admit, it's kind of fun to play checkout girl for real.

But today, several people were obviously unclear on the concept. Honestly. Scan item, place in bag. Scan next item, place in bag. Lather, rinse, repeat. The computer even tells you what to do in a polite English accent.

That might be the problem. Maybe it should be a bit more forceful and say things like "point the barcode at the red-laser thingie you moron", in a really loud voice so everyone can hear you.

If you get it wrong three times, a siren should go off, and the screen should read "Sorry, it appears you are unable to correctly press a button in an elevator, let alone use our made-for-idiots software! Please jump under the nearest bus on your way out."

So after what seemed like an hour of rolling my eyes and 'tutting' under my breath (I'm so British now), it's my turn. I stroll confidently towards the checkout thinking, I'll show these technologically challenged people how it's done.

I scan my freshly made pizza - "Please scan your item BEOFRE you placed it in the bag". Ooops. Maybe I went too fast. I forgot the sort of clientelle they normally market towards in that shop. I scan it again and place it in the bag. Hurrah.

I scan in my Special K Red Berries. "Item not recognized". I try again. Same thing. Grrr. Luckily there's someone there running the whole thing and can bypass my till from hers. So she does....after every single item I scan. Of course, now I'm swearing under my breath, and then utter F*CK after the third time I try to swipe my Visa card.

What should have been a stress free checkout is now hell with everyone looking at me thinking I'm one of those people I mentioned earlier. But I'm in IT I think to myself...I know what to do - I could reprogramme these things to charge me a penny for everything I scan dammit.

I finally pay and get my receipt. I notice the self scan till two along from me is out of order. The screen is very clearly broken, and I don't mean a scratch or crack. The pattern of the breakage can only suggest someone got very fed up and slammed their tin of baked beans into it.

I know how they feel.