Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter!

Last night, myself and thirty or so gay men and a lesbian couple all went ten-pin bowling. It was a social evening for our rugby club, the Kings Cross Steelers. I'd not been ten-pin bowling for about two years. We had such a laugh, despite the lanes being right in the middle of Chav Central. OK, I didn't see too many Burberry (faux or otherwise) hats and the like, but the people there certainly looked like the bargain bin at Matalan had thrown up on them.

Being so far out of practice, I only managed 113 and 102 as scores. Lots of money shots 'on the money shots', but had serveral nasty splits and just could not convert my spares. Oh, and Scooter beat me in both games. At least shoes were comfy and you could bring your pint of booze right into the lane area!

Bowling alleys have a special place in my heart. No, really, they do.

I grew up spending a great deal of my youth at my local five-pin bowling alley in Victoria, 'Town & Country Lanes'. I was in a league from the time I was four or five until I moved to London when I was 22.

I came by it quite naturally however, as my grandfather founded the "Friday Niters" bowling league at Town and Country Lanes many years ago. My parents bowled in it too for a number of years, and had I still been in Canada I would have continued the tradition.

I would spend hours in the place, not just during my Saturday youth league, but also on Fridays with my parents and grandparents. Sometimes I would be a 'spare' when a team member wasn't there, or I'd help them collect the score sheets and money when they would hold position as league officers. I can remember going over all the sheets with them looking for errors, adding up totals and calculating averages.

I was really into it. I guess, never being much of a 'jock' at school, it the only sport I was really good at. I had many trophies, took part in tournaments in the city and province wide as well. My bedroom was full of bowling themed stuff too. I was a real bowling nerd.

I knew all the staff at the lanes too. I remember thinking the best job in the world at the time would be 'Bowling Alley Manager' - then I could go bowling for free any time I wanted! I had several sets of plastic bowling pins at home and would construct elaborate setups and ball returns in the basement. I even managed to collect a few real bowling pins as well (I have two of them with me in London now, one five and one ten) Of course, trying to knock them down with a thin plastic ball would normally result in the ball flying off in the opposite direction whilst the pin would just wobble slightly. Never mind, it kept me out of trouble!

Unfortunately, five-pin is unique to Canada - you won't find the variation anywhere else in the world. So having spent over 15 years in England, I always ensure I get a few games in when I visit Canada. When I explain five-pin to my British friends I am confronted with puzzled expressions and more often than not, simply asked 'but why?'. I then say I could tell them why and blabber on about the the founder, Tommy Ryan, the history of the game, the scoring system (which is different than ten pin, by the way) and they lose all interest. Fair enough, I suppose, no doubt I give off the same reaction when a British person tries to explain the game of cricket.

I last bowled five-pin in September when visiting my family in Victoria with Scooter. I learned the lanes may close down for good in a year or so. That would be a real shame. My first home was flattened a little over a year ago to make way for condos, (not more than 100 yards from the lanes!) now another significant piece of my youth may vanish. In fact, the only ten-pin lane in Victoria may close as well. Victoria has quite a large retired population and a large number of them bowl to keep active. I bet they are devastated.

But you can't keep things the same I guess. All I know is that when I win my huge lottery jackpot, one of the first things that will go into my new home will be a bowling alley.

I mean, I have bowling shirt and everything, so I'm more than ready.